this is uni
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Twitter remains undefeated
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
operators are standing by to ignore your call