kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You Might Also Like
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
❤️❤️❤️
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
screw you
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Seems a bit forward
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS