In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
North and South
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.