Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
You Might Also Like
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that