My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.