me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.