doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Sunday
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.