How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
🙋♀️
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless