Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Don’t talk down to me
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children