First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Mistakes were made
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.