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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
the noise i just made
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.