So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.