The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her