One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
When your man makes a valid point
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?