Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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Expect the unexporcupine.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.