The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You Might Also Like
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken