[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You Might Also Like
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
No, I don’t think I will.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”