My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.