“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Hmmmmm
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.