we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Mouse
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.