People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD