Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
You Might Also Like
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
nature’s most graceful animal
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?