true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
You Might Also Like
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Hmmmmm
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out