Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
guys I’m going home
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”