I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them