Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Saturday
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Childbirth is so beautiful