The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013