I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
based al yankovic
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
But wait…
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt