you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings