imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
#Caturday
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Thoughts
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Lassie, get help!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?