The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Oh, I bet you would be
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.