ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
this article brought to you by lions
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs