All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If a snake ate a cake
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*