I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Do one person every day that scares you.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read