Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar