Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
You Might Also Like
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it