Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
That’s amazing.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.