When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
#SaturdayBears
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*bites zombie*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*