Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
a fate I wish upon no one
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: