To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“No way.” -Jose
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.