*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*pokes sex life with a stick
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?