ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
You Might Also Like
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Easy enough.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.