I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”