and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?