Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
This took me a second..
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.