overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body