Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.