The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
No laws when master is gone
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
incredible text to wake up to
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in