*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you breakdance you buy dance.