The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome